I don't get it.

Why can't teachers see through the facades of them?

I have a facade too, and it's not like I want them to see through me..

But, she's just so unbearably not real.

God, life sucks.

OMG. I can't believe her!

She eavesdrops into my phone calls. URGH.

She actually picked up the other phone and started listening to my whole conversation.

Goddamn her !

Doesn't she know what PRIVACY is!?

Today hasn't been that bad a day...so far.

Had half a day of school cuz it was early dismissal.

But I have so much friggin homework!!

Argh. I bet I will have to stay up really late tonight :(

Terrible Night

I just had a friggin terrble night.

I can't believe that bitch I call my mother.

She's just so bitchy! I can't stand her.

And I'm not just talking about all the annoying things she does on a routinely basis.

It's the fact that she's such a hypocrite.

When I say I wanna visit my grandparents in Canada (it's my hometown too) she says she wants to too. And when a one-in-a-million chance comes up that my dad says that he's willing to pay for our trips this Christmas though he wont' be going, my mom starts acting up.

For hell's sake!

Your parents are there! At least show some care for them!

She doesn't seem to understand how terrible it must be for my grandma to take care of everything ever since my grandpa had a stroke.

If it snows in Canada, they will be stuck at home for consecutively days and weeks!

I hate that bitch.

She shows no care for my grandparents.

All I did was ask her a question.

Then in front of the chef, (my dad was in the bathroom) she starts bitching to me.

She scolded me like hell. She told me that if i forced her to go, she would have to go. 

That her life was under my control. What the fuck?! 

Like I could do that. =='

She said she didn't want to go but because I wanted to go, she didn't have a damned choice.

But what the fuck? again.

I asked her! She said yes.

I asked her again just now. She said yes but in an obvious I don't fucking want to go voice.

Damn her to hell.

All I did was tell her that if she didn't want to go, all she had to say was no.

And that in case she didn't know, it is very hard on my grandparents and that they would be delighted if we went to visit them.

But fucking hell.

My dad came back from the bathroom.

And my damn mom started bitching to him.

She told him that I scolded her in front of the whole restaurant. 

She told him things I didn't do.

She twisted and turned my words.

She changed the context of it.

She made ME seem like the bitch.

I really hate her.

I can't believe her.

She's such a hypocrite.

She's a two faced bitch.

My life sucks. I hate it. Period.

Well, this is my first post on this blog.
So here's a little intro:
My life sucks. I hate it. Period.

And on this blog, I'm gonna vent out all my feelings.
I have a split personality.
Nobody can see through me.

There's no one who understands me.
All my friends are so naive. Sure, some of them are pretty nice.
But they're all too optimistic.
They all have happy families.
They spend everyday "living life to the fullest".
They don't understand that not all parents happen to live in harmony together.
They don't understand screwed up families.
They don't understand what it feels like to be a fat, short, and ugly thing.
They don't understand anything in my world.

I used to be a happy little girl.
And then my world changed... Things changed.

I started acting all emo.
I isolated myself from all my friends at school.
I did things alone. I went out alone. I didn't even want to talk to any of them.
I stopped going to lunch at the cafeteria. It was too overwhelming.
I hated the feeling when you had to walk in the cafeteria and see all these happy people.
They all loved each other. They were all having fun.
Nobody wanted me there.

And so.. for more than a year, I skipped lunch most of the time.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be skinny.
I went to the library and buried myself in books and homework or stuffed my face in front of a computer. I didn't want people to see me there. I just wanted to have my own alone time, my own privacy.
But people kept shoving their faces in mine.
They kept finding me alone and decided that they should talk to me.
I didn't like that.
I just wanted to be alone and hidden from the rest of the world.
Somehow, the rest of the world didn't seem to like that idea.

During this emo period of mine, I was miserable.
All I wanted was to be away in my own little world.
But at that point, I still thought I had some good friends.
Turns out, I had none.
Okay, maybe one.

At the beginning of this emo period, one of my good friends left the school.
That was not so bad.
I still thought I had friends.
But no.
They all thought I wanted attention.
Hell no.
I didn't want attention.
I wanted my life to be perfect, like theirs.
And then came a tearful breakup of friendship.
Oh no, she wasn't sad.
I was the only one who cried over months and months after our argument over my "pessimism issue".
She didn't even care.
She acted like she never knew me.
She even switched seats with someone else in one of my classes.
She cut me completely out of my life.
I didn't understand why I was so desperate...
why I even cried.
I cried and I cried.
I even apologized.
Through months and months.
Then I realized, I was the only one who cared about our so called friendship.
I became even more emo.

And here's where this poem comes right in:

You said we were friends
through the tears and the blood
You said we’ll always be
best buds
til the day came when
I needed you most
but then I found out
that you were a total hoax
I thought we were friends from life to the end
I thought you would be my very best friend
Come to find out
you used me and lied
You were my friend
You gave me hope
You kept me away from
my razor and knife
but I guess it was all
fake and a lie

you don’t deserve my time
this is the end of the story

this is goodbye.

I realized she was no good for me.
Friends, or so we were meant to be, are supposed to stick by your side. Support you.
But no, she WAS a hoax.
She was just together with me in all the fun times.
I don't remember her once trying to cheer me up.
She would just roll her eyes at me.

Easy to say now, but it took me a year to get over that.
And every single day, I would think about that broken friendship.
I would cry in my sleep.
I had nightmares about that.
But again, nobody knew. Nobody cared.
Nobody would care even if they knew.

So.. I was in the library everyday.
Stuffing myself with work, trying to ignore the world I was in.
It was hard.
None of my parents knew about this.
None of the teachers.
They all believed - and still do - that I was Miss Goody Two Shoes.

Then, something in my life changed again.
I think I started getting actual friends that cared about me.
They were still too optimistic.
But now, I'm somewhat fine.
At least they're genuine to the heart.
They can accept the fact that I was totally emo before and that I will still remain the sad person that I still am.
I go to lunch everyday now, but I still don't eat everyday.
I'm never really hungry.
But at least I have friends.

Still.. they don't understand me.
I don't tell them everything.
We all don't have a strong friendship.
I don't tell them much.

I can't tell anyone.
They just won't understand.

I don't want to lose another bunch of friends by them thinking that I want attention because I really don't.

I hate my life.
Nothing is ever perfect like theirs.