I fucking hate my life. Oh right, I think I've said that before, no?

Fucking dad. He should rot in hell.

All I want to was to join this school-related art festival that is hosted in another country. 

But NOOOO. 

He won't fucking let me. and he doesn't he have a goddamn legitimate reason.

Oh wait, is this one legitimate? :

Dad: No

Me: What? Why?

Dad: You don't have time.

Me: (thinking wtf) Why wouldn't I have time? 0_0

Dad: Because you've stayed up late this past week to do your homework.

Me: =='' How does that prove that I wont' be free all the way in Feb/March?

Dad: I said you can't go, so you can't go!

Oh YEAH, real legitimate huh?

So I ask my mom (who supports me to go) and she starts nagging my dad.

My dad's second excuse: It's too expensive.

HELL YEAH IT IS.

But WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?

This store, "Twist" (department store that sells friggin expensive brands like Prada, MiuMiu, Vivienne Westwood, etc...) is on sale now (which is still extravagantly expensive) and he's practically stocking up on everything.

All he has to do is buy one less pair of shoes and I can be on my way to Kuala Lumpur.

Plus, me going to this festival isn't for like "fun."

It's meant to be good experience and all the good stuff that you can name.

He makes it sound like I just wanna go to get out of here.

And guess what else happened yesterday?

I fucking failed my piano exam.

I mean, I tried REALLY hard but it's not my goddamn fault that god didn't give me any musical talent right?

I hate that my freaking dad only looks at my negative stuff.

Doesn't he realize that I got the fucking highest average on my report card?

That I improved so much in P.E. this year, when it's normally my worst subject. A subject that i usually fail like hell? I goddamn passed this year and even got higher than the course median by 1 fucking percent.

Oh, and this is really my first time failing any exam OR test i have EVER taken in my 14 years of life. Goddamn dad doesn't even notice that I passed all my other leveled piano exams, some with merit. Also passed theory exam with Merit. and Sax exam with merit. Plus, it's kinda fucking hard to pass a gr 8 piano exam especially when I'm jumping grades.

All he cares about is his superficiality. Prada, MiuMiu, MY ASS!

Who the fuck needs to own every pair of Prada shoes out there?

Every MiuMiu coat?

Every Louis Vutton bag ever made!?

I DONT THINK SO.

That inhuman beast should rot in hell.

I hope he dies a terrible death.

 i can't believe it.

i just ruined myself.

i've let out way more information then i should have.

if they find out. i'm screwed.

they'll find out what i've been trying to hide from both worlds.

and my two worlds won't run in a harmonious tune. i swear.

OMG. hey guys!

haven't updated in a while cuz I was on a school trip all the way in Australia. Came back on Saturday.. but then I forgot my password until now...

So.. let's talk about my trip in Australia.

Basically, in the week long trip, I visited many places such as Brisbane, Tyalgum, Gold Coast, Byron Bay, Sydney... well we were driving in and out of Queensland and NSW. Eventually, when we were to fly home.. we had to stopover at Sydney but because of the many hour delay, we got to actually go out to visit the city.

Anyway, I would say that the trip was overall, pretty awesome except for one of the hikes. It was terrible cuz people were basically just rolling and slipping per second. It was muddy and disgusting. with leeches and bugs. And from this stupid hike, i broke my camera and cell phone ==. but then evenutally, my cell phone started working again. sadly, that isn't the case for my camera.

Enough about the trip though i guess. 

On sunday, it was hilarious.

My dad forgot my name =='

he wanted to talk to me about something and then he called my name wrong.

Family, huh? My ass.

I'm actually in class right now.. so i should get off now.

I have loads to do again this week. ARGH.//

Stupid art project that i haven't started on. And its like a HUGe project.

Due in 2 days ==' i'm not gonna finish

and a science test.

and history project. 

argh.

once i'm back from the trip, i have to return to stinkin old life.

Haven't posted in a few days... was way too busy.

well actually, i'm still terribly busy but just happens that im procrastinating :P

So..I guess i'll tell you guys how I've been since I last updated.

The past weekend was so crazy.

On saturday, I had my ABRSM piano exam which I swear I failed with probably only a 75/150.

The examiner was such an asshole. terribly mean!

He kept sighing while I was playing (I admit I wasn't playing my best, but that was because he was scaring me!) and even stopped me during one of my pieces. he was like..."Please stop. i don't want to hear anymore. It's just repeat" 0.0" gee. way to make me feel confident.

And well, most unbelievably I actually cried!

Of course, that was after the exam.

I was having lunch with the bitch (Ahem. I mean my mother) and tears just came out. I cried for like 20 mins nonstop. Unbelievable. even for myself.

Okay what else? Well, the rest of saturday was pretty awesome.

My twin friends came to sleepover at my home. We ate dinner at the mall near my home and that was pretty fantastic. (despite the fact that we had to wait in queue for more than an hour before we got seats) We went home, watched the Superhero Movie played wii and watched another movie. It was heaven compared to the terrible morning I had.

On sunday, my school had a school fair event and I had to volunteer with another friend to take care of one of those playing booths. One of the twins left and one of the twins came with me. Hence, me, my twin friend, and another friend were at the fair. We volunteered for about an hour, ate some pizza, hung around... and amazingly, despite my cursed life and most oftenly bad luck, I won this huge prize in a lucky draw.

Blahblahblah.. and then we got bored so us three and this guy we know (he just kinda stuck around with us at the fair and so we all ended up hanging together) all went to the twins' home.

We had loads of fun there.. I guess...at least for a while.

There was lots of laughter for the most part.

Things got boring eventually.

And then things took for a turn.

I got an upsetting call from a friend of mine. (in which i'm not gonna elaborate further here)

and soon.. I had to eat dinner with my parents.

that was goddamn horrible.

For some damn reason, my intestines started hurting like hell and my mom was totally fuggin drunk. We had a total blowoff at the high-end restaurant we were eating at, and it was i tell you, EMBARRASSING. I mean, all the ppl who work there KNOWS us. We've been eating there since I was like what... 6 years old? that's like 9 years! It's not like the first time we've argued in public there, or really any other place.. but it's just embarrassing considering I'm not a little kid anymore.

She started acting all bitchy (no surprise there, huh?)

I mean, wtf. Saturday afternoon, she was comforting me over the stupid piano exam that I obviously failed. And then, she started blowing me off saying that I was a friggin retard. Saying how I could've possibly failed. That she wasted so much of HER (!!!! it's not even her money, it's my dad's) money on me.. That if she had the opportunity when she was my age, she would have passed with flying colors. Oh yeah. Sure. Easy for her to say. All she has to do right now is scream at me about piano. 

Then things get worse as she talks about money.

it's always MONEY MONEY MONEY.

MONEY SHITMONEY.

What's up with her!!@!@!?

My dad gives her money on a monthly basis. And i can tell you, the amount is most definitely NOT SMALL.

BUT SHE STIL KEEPS COMPLAINING EVERY FUCKING DAY!

money this, money that.

UGH.

GIMME A BREAK

GIVE MY DAD A BREAK.

she started annoying me about how my friends didn't finish the yoghurt we bought with "her" money, that it was a waste of money. How even $10(HKD) was money. Oh sure.. like her going to "yum cha" (drink tea at chinese restaurant) for like a few hundred bucks a day isn't a waste of money ==. Yah, sounds like one small thing yeah? BUT SHE ANNOYED ME ABOUT THAT FOR LIKE 20 FUCKING MINUTES.

Your friends this.. your friends that.

The yoghurt was perfectly fine blah blah blah.

It hurts me how I lost $10 like that.

Then she started saying I owed her.

So i was like, "fine. you want me to pay you back!?"

and she was like "OF COURSE. YOU OWE ME."

so i fucking reached into my handbag and shoved a $10 bill into her hand.

Then, she crumpled the bill and shoved it onto the table, slamming her cup over it.

(and yes. i bet the whole restaurant was watching us by now.)

UGGGH

there's more to what happened.

but i can't type anymore.

right now.. the more i type, the more furious i get.

and i have to be calm to finish the shitload amount of homework i have.

buhbye.

I don't get it.

Why can't teachers see through the facades of them?

I have a facade too, and it's not like I want them to see through me..

But, she's just so unbearably not real.

God, life sucks.

OMG. I can't believe her!

She eavesdrops into my phone calls. URGH.

She actually picked up the other phone and started listening to my whole conversation.

Goddamn her !

Doesn't she know what PRIVACY is!?

Today hasn't been that bad a day...so far.

Had half a day of school cuz it was early dismissal.

But I have so much friggin homework!!

Argh. I bet I will have to stay up really late tonight :(

Terrible Night

I just had a friggin terrble night.

I can't believe that bitch I call my mother.

She's just so bitchy! I can't stand her.

And I'm not just talking about all the annoying things she does on a routinely basis.

It's the fact that she's such a hypocrite.

When I say I wanna visit my grandparents in Canada (it's my hometown too) she says she wants to too. And when a one-in-a-million chance comes up that my dad says that he's willing to pay for our trips this Christmas though he wont' be going, my mom starts acting up.

For hell's sake!

Your parents are there! At least show some care for them!

She doesn't seem to understand how terrible it must be for my grandma to take care of everything ever since my grandpa had a stroke.

If it snows in Canada, they will be stuck at home for consecutively days and weeks!

I hate that bitch.

She shows no care for my grandparents.

All I did was ask her a question.

Then in front of the chef, (my dad was in the bathroom) she starts bitching to me.

She scolded me like hell. She told me that if i forced her to go, she would have to go. 

That her life was under my control. What the fuck?! 

Like I could do that. =='

She said she didn't want to go but because I wanted to go, she didn't have a damned choice.

But what the fuck? again.

I asked her! She said yes.

I asked her again just now. She said yes but in an obvious I don't fucking want to go voice.

Damn her to hell.

All I did was tell her that if she didn't want to go, all she had to say was no.

And that in case she didn't know, it is very hard on my grandparents and that they would be delighted if we went to visit them.

But fucking hell.

My dad came back from the bathroom.

And my damn mom started bitching to him.

She told him that I scolded her in front of the whole restaurant. 

She told him things I didn't do.

She twisted and turned my words.

She changed the context of it.

She made ME seem like the bitch.

I really hate her.

I can't believe her.

She's such a hypocrite.

She's a two faced bitch.

My life sucks. I hate it. Period.

Well, this is my first post on this blog.
So here's a little intro:
My life sucks. I hate it. Period.

And on this blog, I'm gonna vent out all my feelings.
I have a split personality.
Nobody can see through me.

There's no one who understands me.
All my friends are so naive. Sure, some of them are pretty nice.
But they're all too optimistic.
They all have happy families.
They spend everyday "living life to the fullest".
They don't understand that not all parents happen to live in harmony together.
They don't understand screwed up families.
They don't understand what it feels like to be a fat, short, and ugly thing.
They don't understand anything in my world.

I used to be a happy little girl.
And then my world changed... Things changed.

I started acting all emo.
I isolated myself from all my friends at school.
I did things alone. I went out alone. I didn't even want to talk to any of them.
I stopped going to lunch at the cafeteria. It was too overwhelming.
I hated the feeling when you had to walk in the cafeteria and see all these happy people.
They all loved each other. They were all having fun.
Nobody wanted me there.

And so.. for more than a year, I skipped lunch most of the time.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be skinny.
I went to the library and buried myself in books and homework or stuffed my face in front of a computer. I didn't want people to see me there. I just wanted to have my own alone time, my own privacy.
But people kept shoving their faces in mine.
They kept finding me alone and decided that they should talk to me.
I didn't like that.
I just wanted to be alone and hidden from the rest of the world.
Somehow, the rest of the world didn't seem to like that idea.

During this emo period of mine, I was miserable.
All I wanted was to be away in my own little world.
But at that point, I still thought I had some good friends.
Turns out, I had none.
Okay, maybe one.

At the beginning of this emo period, one of my good friends left the school.
That was not so bad.
I still thought I had friends.
But no.
They all thought I wanted attention.
Hell no.
I didn't want attention.
I wanted my life to be perfect, like theirs.
And then came a tearful breakup of friendship.
Oh no, she wasn't sad.
I was the only one who cried over months and months after our argument over my "pessimism issue".
She didn't even care.
She acted like she never knew me.
She even switched seats with someone else in one of my classes.
She cut me completely out of my life.
I didn't understand why I was so desperate...
why I even cried.
I cried and I cried.
I even apologized.
Through months and months.
Then I realized, I was the only one who cared about our so called friendship.
I became even more emo.

And here's where this poem comes right in:

You said we were friends
through the tears and the blood
You said we’ll always be
best buds
til the day came when
I needed you most
but then I found out
that you were a total hoax
I thought we were friends from life to the end
I thought you would be my very best friend
Come to find out
you used me and lied
You were my friend
You gave me hope
You kept me away from
my razor and knife
but I guess it was all
fake and a lie

you don’t deserve my time
this is the end of the story

this is goodbye.

I realized she was no good for me.
Friends, or so we were meant to be, are supposed to stick by your side. Support you.
But no, she WAS a hoax.
She was just together with me in all the fun times.
I don't remember her once trying to cheer me up.
She would just roll her eyes at me.

Easy to say now, but it took me a year to get over that.
And every single day, I would think about that broken friendship.
I would cry in my sleep.
I had nightmares about that.
But again, nobody knew. Nobody cared.
Nobody would care even if they knew.

So.. I was in the library everyday.
Stuffing myself with work, trying to ignore the world I was in.
It was hard.
None of my parents knew about this.
None of the teachers.
They all believed - and still do - that I was Miss Goody Two Shoes.

Then, something in my life changed again.
I think I started getting actual friends that cared about me.
They were still too optimistic.
But now, I'm somewhat fine.
At least they're genuine to the heart.
They can accept the fact that I was totally emo before and that I will still remain the sad person that I still am.
I go to lunch everyday now, but I still don't eat everyday.
I'm never really hungry.
But at least I have friends.

Still.. they don't understand me.
I don't tell them everything.
We all don't have a strong friendship.
I don't tell them much.

I can't tell anyone.
They just won't understand.

I don't want to lose another bunch of friends by them thinking that I want attention because I really don't.

I hate my life.
Nothing is ever perfect like theirs.